Today was perhaps the greatest day of my career.
I touched Uhuru's private area.
We went on an away mission, and she became distressed after an alien insulted her colouring. I attacked the alien with a forward roll/karate chop combination, then made a big speech about how we should all love each other.
Simply love each other.
Just love each other.
It was my most favourite speech ever.
When we beamed back to the ship, I accompanied Uhuru back to her quarters. She hugged me, and then we kissed.
Passionately.
I slipped my hand down to her cargo bay, but just before I got a chance to slide open the hot beef doors, someone buzzed me on my communicator.
It was Chekov, yelling something about a race of mysterious aliens attacking the ship.
I asked him if the matter could wait, but he said it was quite urgent. Irritated at the disturbance, I told him to raise shields and fire photon torpedos. He said that maybe we should do it the other way round otherwise we would blow up the ship. I said that was the idea. He said he meant OUR ship.
I was quite enraged by this point, and in no mood for grammatical errors. I was keen to get my beam up, so I told him to take whatever action necessary and turned off my communicator.
I tore off my shirt, ready to mate with my aroused female officer, but Uhuru fled the room in tears.
Cargo bay doors AND dead aliens.
GREAT DAY!!
posted by Captain Berk @ 12:31 pm
11 Comments:
Ha ha!
You're real smooth. You make Zapp Branigan look like Casanova!
I too like to carouse ladies in the same direct fashion.
Primitive mating rituals tend to be highly arousing to the female of the species.
Next time try not bathing for a week and grunting.
This gets them REALLY excited.
Glad to hear you've had such a wonderful day! It's important for the Captain to be happy. It helps to boost crew morale!
And that's why you are so many peoples favorite Captain. You have that take charge, can do, don't let "no" stop you, kind of attitude. That sort of gung-ho, get the job done at whatever the cost, right is right and wrong is wrong sort of world view. That's the kind of thing people can take comfort in.
Plus you get to touch hot chicks hoo-hoos.
Have you tried on a Ralph Macchio shirt?
Works like a charm.
UTMG - Definitely. There is something about a guy who never showers. All that sweat and god knows what else. Mmmm....
I would take Zapp Brannigan's advice though and make sure to invest in a velour uniform. Mmm...velour.
Toast: Thank you for your advice. I tried this once before, but got thrown off the bridge by my colleagues as I was offending a visiting dignitary.
Doug: You are right, and woulkd make a fantastic 1st officer.
Professor: Touching hot girls and travelling the universe are the greatest things a human can do.
BT3: I'll replicate one this evening.
Saathiya: He tends to take MY advice. Who do you think he got the idea for velour from? I also taught him to say champagne properly. It's 'Shampaggan' in case you were wondering.
Jeez why do aliens always find the stupidest times to attack? I know I'm an alien. But not from the more annoying races at least.
Don't take your communicator next time.
Oh, that would explain a lot. I never believed Brannigan was smooth enough to know so much about velour or champaggin. Did you also give him that pick up line "if I told you you had a good body would you take your pants off and dance around a little"? Because THAT is really smooth.
Vegeta: They have no consideration for delicate mating rituals.
Jean Luc: I use it as a toy sometimes. I put it deep inside and then get the computer to call it. mm. Did i say that out loud?
Saath: Oh no. That's all his. Kif did leave my employment to transfer to his ship though. I can't think why. I loved his green skin....
And his lipless beak.
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