Hello? Is this thing on?

I am in a 'Ferengi Internet Tavern.'

It would seem that I don't need Starfleet Comms to post my logs as previously thought. It seems that computers exist outside the Federation. That hacking device Starbuck gave me seems to be working a treat.

I bumped into him again at wArP nightclub a few weeks ago. I was disguised as a multicoloured alien female to evade capture (not for my own pleasure) and he tried to chat me up on the dancefloor. I gave him a hipfull of cold steel and told him he would get a mouthfull of hot lead if he didn't help me out. He agreed, but only on the condition that I perform an act that will never be spoken of again.

Anyway, a month ago I was forced to flee the Travel Lodge in Barnstaple when an unwanted visitor showed up.

Someone had given away my position. It was probably one of the staff. They didn't like me because I complained about the lack of Blood Wine with my breakfast, the absence of a decent tanning booth, and the lack of any Phaser charging sockets. It was either that, or my refusal to give them my 'credit card', whatever that is. I told them if they wanted credit, they should go to the academy and beat the Kobayashi Maru scenario. Then I would write and sign a card for them personally. They just looked at me blankly and said they would call 'The Police.'

I explained that I was pretty sure that they had disbanded, but they could go ahead and try.

Not long after that, I got a call from reception telling me that a representative from the Gas Fire conference I was attending had arrived in the Foyer. Confused, as I do not know what a 'Gas Fire' is, I headed for the front desk via the stairs. I daren't use the lift in case any klingons might be hiding inside.

As I forward-rolled into the Foyer, I saw the so-called 'representative' and realised that I had been rumbled. Either that, or the man sat nonchalantly before me in the lounge area had changed his career somewhat. I figured I had better get the first word in.

"Khan. Long time no see."

He carried on reading Hello! magazine, seemingly unaware of my presence. Judging by his lack of a business suit, and the presence of those weird brown clothes he always wears, I rightly deduced that he had lied to reception. I don't know much about conference representatives on Earth, but I find it unlikely that they dress in this fashion. I made a note to highlight this for the reception staff to avoid any future confusion. After an awkward wait, I realised he had his headphones in, so I spoke again.

"KHAAAAAAAAAAANNNN!!!!"

He leapt out of his seat and drew his phaser. I drew mine, but I appeared to have grabbed a Braun Multishave by mistake. Khan sneered at me, giving me just enough time to forward roll under his phaser blast and karate chop his belt. His trousers fell down, revealing his Forward Thruster to the unfortunate civilians checking in. He froze on the spot, totally surprised by my equivalent of the Picard manouvre. Khan doesn't usually 'go commando.' Now I know why.

I guess some things don't need to be genetically modified to improve a species.

Inspiration hit me, so I whipped out an Earth communication device called a 'mobile phone' which I had stolen from a small child. I videod Khan's shamefull appendage and the resultant guffaws of the assembled crowd.

"Surrender, Khan. Or this goes out on all sub-space channels."

He was reluctant at first, but he agreed when I threatened to expose his miniscule genitalia to the whole Quadrant. He pulled his pants up and surrendered, confessing that my repeated winning at our ongoing competitions had finally pushed him to the edge. When Starfleet had offered a reward to track me down and bring me in for breaking out of prison after my drunken shuttlecraft pilot training accident, he jumped at the chance. His thirst for vengeance had already lead to the mistaken destruction of Travel Lodge's in Sidmouth, Linton and Leighton Buzzard. I think that's somewhere on Rijel 4.

Anyway, I demanded that he ferry me through hostile space to the safety of the Ferengi homeworld, where I can get some Latinum owed to me, find myself a spaceship and start contracting for the Remans.

Again he was reluctant, but it didn't take too many shamefull replays to twist his arm.

He even let me blow up the Travel Lodge from orbit.