Captains Blog

Boldly going where no blog has gone before..

3.20.2006

One of the Admirals came on board for an inspection today.

I was quite upset. Nobody told me.

After yelling at Spock for a bit, I composed myself and headed for the transporter room. I hoped the Admiral wouldn't notice the large white stain on my torn uniform and that he would forget the rather embarrassing 5 minute wait I had forced him to endure.

Admiral N. Surance introduced himself gruffly and looked at me like I was a dog biscuit.

"Where the hell have you been? I've been listening to this drunken idiot prattle on about the highlands for 5 minutes whilst you finished off some unspeakable act with a junior officer in your quarters, by the look of it."

I explained (rather well, i thought) that the stain wasn't what it looked like, and that I had a pet goat in my quarters. He looked even more horrified. I explained that it was the milk of the goat adorning my uniform and not the goats reproductive juices as he probably thought.

A horrible silence ensued

"Right. I've seen and heard enough already. It's testament to your reputation as the most woefully inadequate Captain in the fleet that I don't even need to leave the transporter room to know that you are completely incapable of performing your duties on this ship. You and this pathetic excuse for an officer are suspended. I'm turning over your captaincy to Science Officer Spock. What do you have to say for yourselves?"

There was more quiet unpleasantness.

Scotty asked if anyone fancied a belt of Scotch.

The Admiral turned to leave, without saying a word in passing i might add. As he did so, I had a flash of inspiration and shot him in the back with my phaser. He dropped quicker than a pop idol winner.

Scotty looked at me, boggle eyed.

"Ya cannae do that, Cap'n! You'll be courtmartialled."

I told him that if he valued his job, and the luxury of drinking whilst upon it, he would beam the Admiral down to the nearest class M planet with the necessary memory adjustments and tell the rest of the crew a story about the admirals crippling drink addiction and how we had to beam him off the ship for being unruly. We would be hailed as heroes by friends of mine in starfleets internal affairs division. They always wanted fresh meat. Especially from the top of the pile.

Scotty shook his head in disbelief and reached for the buttons.

Problem solved!

11 Comments:

At 6:39 pm, Blogger Richard Quick, Millionaire said...

This reminds me of a weekend when Kirk & Spock were my guests for whirlwind week of revelry. Kirk was so vain. I took them to Saratoga, where his horse naturally won. Then I flew my Leer jet to Nova Scotia for a total eclipse of the sun. Aboard my yacht off the Caymans, some drunkass Klingon dropped by can opener overboard and we couldn't get the Coco Ribe open for the Pina Coladas. That's when I learned the true value of those pointy Spock ears. We had to hold him upside down and piledriver him into the top of the can. Worked great.

Cap'n, you and your crew deserve to be filthy, stinkin' rich for your service to the Federation. Sign up for my Get Rich Quick! newsletter at http://richardquick.blogspot.com, and you'll be 2.5 years into your 5 year mission - roughly half the way there. See you on the veranda! RQ

 
At 7:42 pm, Blogger Doug Murata said...

Wonderfully quick thinking! That's why you're the Captain!

 
At 10:49 pm, Blogger Chris Benjamin said...

man i wish i had access to your technology! i'd be king of nova scotia.

 
At 1:52 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like the way ya think there berk. Pop the sucker and set em up.

Couldnt a done better myself.

 
At 6:01 am, Blogger Vegeta said...

Nice.

 
At 7:32 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

did you use scottys scotch for the total effect?

 
At 12:40 am, Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Now you see that is the sign of a good leader, someone who is able to see a problem and find a solution quickly and while under pressure. A perfect fix and everyone is happy. Nicely done.

 
At 8:43 am, Blogger Between daisies said...

You can come round and finish off my boss, if you like.

 
At 3:51 pm, Blogger Captain Berk said...

Richard: We don't mention 'kirk' around here. I'll let you off this time because you are new. He stole my whole identity and made a fortune off my personal history. The man is a bounder, and a cad. Spock loves him, which gives me even more reason to loathe him.

Doug: One day my time will pass. And i'll be waiting with a phaser and a ripped shirt when death shows up.

Benji: I'm actually the King of Nova Scotia. They wosrhip me like a god. Ignorance is bliss....

Jaba: Thanks. Say hi to Bobba for me. He owes me ten bucks

Vegeta: Thanks.

Vampirella: I did indeed. I spread a healthy dose on his gums and his uniform. Scotty and I made light work of the rest

Prof: If only starfleet were so appreciative of my abstract methodology.

Radar: I thought you had been finished off. Evidently not. Welcome back to the final frontier.

 
At 2:25 am, Blogger Between daisies said...

Time for changes and all that. I'm counting down rather than up now.

 
At 1:07 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congrats Berk you were my 1000 counter hits guest

so here is something for you

thanks for visiting

 

Post a Comment

<< Home