Today I had to attend a federation funded 'Negociating in the Workplace' seminar.
What a load of mindless space garbage.
The course blurb was something about treating your enemies like your colleagues to create a happier working envirnoment. The guy who was running it (Chad) was a jumped up, blue flame, quarterback punk.
He kept warbling on about 'self actualisation' and 'negociating with a can-do mentality'. Everyone else seemed to be buying into this tripe except me.
He asked me to participate in a roleplay with him.
He was to be a klingon leader and I was to be me.
"Okay lets begin" he said. "I'm not very happy about your violation of the neutral zone, and I would like you to apologise. I feel affronted by your disrespect for our mutual boundaries."
I responded by forward rolling towards him and landing a karate chop on his arm. Luckily, my shirt got torn in the attack, which added to the authenticity of the scenario. He fell to the ground, whining like a ferengi. I was pleased with my performance, so I got up and punched the air.
There was silence as Chad quietly sobbed on the floor.
I was mystified. I had quelled the attack, and no-one had been hurt except the enemy.
Later, Chad explained that my response was 'reactionary' instead of 'pro-active', whatever that means.
My frustration peaked during a group logic exercise.
We had to get a fox, a chicken and some grain across a river in a boat. Everyone else presented silly answers that revolved around ferrying them across. In my presentation, I highlighted that the boat may well be a klingon decoy filled with explosives. I drew complex diagrams to indicate how a tractor beam could be used to move the fox, the chicken and the grain over the river. This would free up crucial defensive time to retaliate against a klingon assault on the colony.
Chad was not impressed.
He said that whilst he appreciated my 'thinking outside the box', I was missing the point and I should be using 'only the resources to hand'. I told him that a small wooden boat and handfulls of grain were no defence against a klingon battlefleet.
He told me to sit down.
I threw a chair at him.
posted by Captain Berk @ 3:48 pm
16 Comments:
I would think the fastest way to get the fox, chicken and grain across the river would be to use a cannon. Maybe a large potato gun. I'm sure you could whip that up out of whatever is lying around.
This Chad sounds like he needs a tribble. Maybe then he will change his evil ways!
Did you cut yourself were your unifrom short tore, leaving a long gash?
Dude, I like your style. You and I should go on a bughunt together sometime.
The Federation needs more captains like you, my friend! Next time, you should also totally make out with Chad's sister.
Indeed. At least with enemies you know where you stand. With these peacemakers? Who knows.
I never did trust peace makers I usually just blast them
You don't mess about do you?
I too hate these kind of courses. All talk and no action. Consultants getting paid to spout meaningless jargon.
I'm with Doug. Go for Chads sister.
I wouldn't go for anyone's sister if their brother's name was Chad. Parents who call a child Chad do so with intention to humiliate. What's her name; Mace?
Ask Chad to talk about something worthwhile next time, such as self immolation. Tell him that his previous speech didn't convert anyone into a believer and that he should conclude the seminar with a physical demonstration. That should exorcise the Chad factor from him.
Then hand out sticks and marshmallows.
Aw, c'mon, Andy. A sister's a sister. The idea is not only to get some tail, but also to make Chad cry.
Or, if he decides to get angry, throw another chair at him.
Or, retry the role-play, but this time, be the Klingon leader and have Chad be a Ferengi merchant who ripped off said Klingon. You can then proceed to rip off his ears for the hell of it!
Answer: get the chicken to eat the grain, then the fox to eat the chicken, then throw the fox across.
This is a 24th Century answer.
This is probably the funniest piece of fiction that I've ever read.
Prof: Try telling Chad that. He likes 'working inside the box' or whatever.
Trinity: I put one on his chair whilst he was out of his seat. He never sat back down though. I started to miss my tribble, so I sneaked over and got it back.
Jon: I got a carpet burn. It was equally spectacular.
Hudson: Count me in.
Doug: Is she hot? I guess it doesn't matter if it is just to spite him.
Saathiya: You would make a fine officer.
Vegeta: So would you.
Toast: I will go for Chads sister! I will!
Andy: Should we eat the sticks and force feed him the marshmallows?
Doug: This is a fine idea!
Picard: Your answer is inspired. That's why you are such a fine captain.
Grace: It all actually happened. I did add the odd 'and'. I guess that TECHNICALLY makes it fiction.
The courtmartial threat from the admiralty was pretty real, let me tell you.
The key to any great attack is the element of surprise... I hereby suggest that you sleep with Chad and throw a chair at his sister. Always keep them guessing...
I went to a seminar like that once. I excused myself to the restroom, and then got 'lost' and wandered around the building until time was up. They never made me retake the seminar.
And why do I have the overwhelming urge to call you Cpt. Zap Branigan? I really have no idea.
Oneida: I like being called names.
Aminah: Thank you for your advice. I will do that when I next see chadface.
William: I have a big metal boat that flies through the sky.
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