Yesterday I faced my oldest Nemesis.

The only man capable of mating with the same galactic panache as me.

I was on shore leave at the most infamous of Rijel14's universally renowned nightclubs; WaRp.

Anyone who's anyone goes there. I was lucky enough to get an invite. Lucky in the sense that I managed to steal Khans invite a few days ago without him spotting me. I had lunch on his battlecruiser and....well that's another story.

Anyway, I was at the bar waiting for a drink, listening to some Ferengi trader butchering 'Livin on a Prayer'. It wasn't long until a group of Klingons in the front row blasted him to oblivion, cheering raucously as his boots steamed conspicuously in the spotlight.

I took a long pull on my beer and glanced around the room.

The alien space talent on show was exceptional. Everywhere I looked there were orbital beauties of every colour and persuasion grinding their tubes against hungry wayfarers. I was just about to crack my knuckles and wade into the fray when my eyes fell upon a familiar sight. Shaking his enviably trim behind in the face of three knockout honeys, I saw the immaculately coiffeured bonce of my arch enemy.

Starbuck.

We had grown up like brothers, thrown together in the same backwater dustbowl, fighting over ladies, accolades and bears. We were like Tango & Cash, Thelma & Louise and Bonnie & Clyde all rolled into one.

But we hadn't spoken in years. Not since 'the incident'.

'Hey there Berk" he hollered.

"Like my Escorts? I bought them off one of the pirates in the Galactica's prison bays. They make great bait for snagging the real thing."

'No', I said. "I AM the bait, my friend. I got a worm so big I could fish for Jaws."

The girls laughed and I sneered to myself. Still got it.

'Don't pay any attention to them. They're programmed to do that. Check it out: Syphilis!!'

There was a chorus of sychophantic giggles from the ladies. Starbuck looked at me with disdain as I laughed along with them.

"What are you doing?"

"That WAS pretty funny. Syphillis. Heh heh. Look, just stay out of my way and let me get on with my sharking. I won't tread on your toes if you don't tread on mine, okay?"

I turned on my heel and sidled off into the crowd as Starbuck started telling the girls his joke about the Hitler and the Pope.

They laughed at the punchline a little too early. Always a dead give away on the cheaper model holographic escorts.

I learned that the hard way!