Sisqo said he will release me as long as I stop stealing his food.

Starfleet told him to test whether or not I am a clown (obviously I am not) by having me sit the Kobayashi Maru scenario - a funny game where you have to fly into a nasty place and get into a big fight. I would have thought that getting me to ride a miniature bicycle through a loop-the-loop would have been a better test, but no-one seems to think that is a good idea, especially Sisqo, who becomes more and more convinced that I am a clown every day.

I still remember when I sat The Kobayashi Maru scenario as a cadet.

During the load up screen I tried pressing the following buttons; Left, Right, Up, Down, ABC, ABC because it made multi-coloured alien females appear in an old video game I read about in a 20th Century 'magazine'.

It didn't work, but after about 3 hours of play the simulation was stopped because the supervising officer claimed I was 'cheating' - whatever that means. I explained that he was just jealous because a cadet was skillfull enough to destroy 300 Klingon Warbirds without sustaining anymore than a 1% loss in shield strength. He also disapproved of my conduct during the battle, saying that 'it's not gentlemanly to rip off one's shirt, tie it around one's head and forward roll/karate chop the video screen during battle'. I said that such behaviour was an important part of my winning strategy. Later, they found out about my attempt to make ladies appear onscreen.

They gave me a commendation for original thinking - even though it didn't work.

Starfleet - never the smartest organisation in the galaxy.

Anyway, no-one knows how I really did it - blood wine and lots of forward rolls - so it looks like I'll get to relive the whole experience again in something called a 'holodeck'.

2-0 to Berk?

We'll see. But probably 'yes'.