It feels pretty good to be Captain of a ship again. But more on that later.

My absence is due to that rotten space weasel - Khan.

I guess I should have had my guard up when he agreed to let me blow up the Travel Lodge that had been serving as my hide-out. Right after the torpedo's ploughed into that god-awful lobby and blew the place to kingdom come, he stunned me with his phaser as I was dancing around with glee. When I woke up in a holding cell, my mobile phone was gone. The footage of his micro-length - my only bargaining chip in this seemingly endless game of intergalactic man-poker that we appear bound to play out - was gone.

Gah!

But I was not to be beaten. 2 months of carousing the female jail attendant eventually paid off. One day, clearly caught in the throes of infatuated awe for me, she tripped over as she was backing away from my cell, banging her head on the floor. Thankfully, it was an old ship, so bars were used in the absence of forcefield technology, so I was able to reach between them and drag her towards me. I picked her up, pressed her finger on the print-id door lock, and set myself free. Why they put these door release mechanisms right next to the cell, I will never know. Anyway, After a quick frisk of her tight, young body, I found that she had no weapons of any kind. I frisked her again, just to be sure, then again, just to be more sure. Then, I stole her uniform so that I could blend in with the crew, and attempted my escape.

I made my way to the bridge and burst in as subtly as I could. My benefactor probably fulfilled a caring role of some kind, so tried I to stand around looking concerned. This didn't seem to work, as the crew just looked at me open-mouthed. At that moment, Khan walked in. I shouted his name very loudly to startle him. It worked, so I incapacitated him with a forward-roll/karate-chop combination, which I was quite proud of, considering the restrictive nature of the ill-fitting uniform and the heeled shoes. I got his phaser and, crucially, the mobile phone, which he was still carrying around for some reason. He even had the footage I had taken as a screensaver.

"Surprise, Mon Capitan!", I yelled triumphantly as he looked at me in shocked silence. "No federation bounty for you!"

"Transporter Room, this is the Captain. We are going on an away mission that you need not know the details of. Everyone on the bridge except for the attractive female officer that occasionally frequents the prison quarters are to be transported to the nearest class M planet."

There was a deathly hush as the crew realised the fiendishness of my plan.

"Berk, you fool," said Khan. "That's a primitive Earth communication device you have to your ear, not a Starfleet Communicator. Even if it were, you are aboard a Klingon Warbird, you imbecile!"

I shot Khan in the face, knocking him out cold.

The best time to strike an opponent is when they think you have been stupid. It catches them off guard, so I was able to phaser-blast the remaining crew members with relative ease before they could get to their weapons. All those hours I racked up on 'Duck Hunt' on the NES hadn't been 'a waste of time' like my instructor at the academy said after all. If only he could have seen me - dressed in womens clothing with a Klingon Warbird entirely at my command. I think he would have been grudgingly proud.

After taking out the rest of the crew with some well placed seduction/phaser blast combinations, I dragged them all to the transporter room and piled them up on those funny little circles that make you disappear. This took hours, and I was pretty much exhausted afterwards. This made me angry, so when I beamed them down to the nearest planet, which turned out to be Alpha Ceti VII (much nastier than V and VI), I made sure they would all appear with funny moustaches, and become the laughing stock of whatever foul species awaited them there.

Then I had a long sleep in a torpedo tube.

I might go and get changed in a bit.