Today was perhaps the greatest day of my career.

I touched Uhuru's private area.

We went on an away mission, and she became distressed after an alien insulted her colouring. I attacked the alien with a forward roll/karate chop combination, then made a big speech about how we should all love each other.

Simply love each other.

Just love each other.

It was my most favourite speech ever.

When we beamed back to the ship, I accompanied Uhuru back to her quarters. She hugged me, and then we kissed.

Passionately.

I slipped my hand down to her cargo bay, but just before I got a chance to slide open the hot beef doors, someone buzzed me on my communicator.

It was Chekov, yelling something about a race of mysterious aliens attacking the ship.

I asked him if the matter could wait, but he said it was quite urgent. Irritated at the disturbance, I told him to raise shields and fire photon torpedos. He said that maybe we should do it the other way round otherwise we would blow up the ship. I said that was the idea. He said he meant OUR ship.

I was quite enraged by this point, and in no mood for grammatical errors. I was keen to get my beam up, so I told him to take whatever action necessary and turned off my communicator.

I tore off my shirt, ready to mate with my aroused female officer, but Uhuru fled the room in tears.

Cargo bay doors AND dead aliens.

GREAT DAY!!

I think Uhuru is having an affair with Spock.

I keep spotting them making eyes at each other.

We were on the bridge the other day in the middle of some negociation or another. A peace treaty with the Klingons, or something. Anyway, whilst one of those pastie-browed neanderthals was wittering on about trade routes, I caught Uhuru checking out Spocks behind.

I don't know what he's got that I haven't. I know how to forward roll. And do Karate chops. And how to mate with aliens. Spock has hardly ever mated. Vulcans only do it once every 7 years.

They must be frigid or something.

Once the negociations had finished and we had destroyed the enemy ship, I saw spock blatantly oggling her mammory glands. She saw him do it, but instead of fixing him with a steely-eyed glare (like she does with me) she fluttered her eyelashes and stroked his arm. He merely raised an eyebrow and went back to looking into that scope he seems to love so much. I have no idea what it does.

Maybe it's some kind of visual uniform penetration device....

That would explain the permanent hard-on he seems to have.

I had the weirdest dream last night.

I seemed to be in the future, and I was on board a later version of the Enterprise. I wandered around for a while to get my bearings, finding lots of advanced machinery and computers I could understand even less than the ones I am used to. Eventually I stumbled into a bar.

All the female officers were wearing strange uniforms. All the short dresses I am used to were gone.

The women were still largely in caring roles as you would expect, but some actually worked in engineering!

Anyway, I had a few drinks in this strange dream bar and started mumbling at my fellow drinkers, trying to get them a little bit fired up. It was only a dream, so I pretty much did whatever I liked for a laugh. I gesticulated wildly at the bar woman to fire up a 20th century invention called a Karaoke machine. She just looked at me sadly.

Although awkward about my behaviour, the crew tolerated my actions without question. After a while, some bearded show off came in and took me back to my quarters and told me to sleep it off. I asked him what he was looking at, and whether he wanted to take it outside. He made some excuse about the vacuum of space, and told me he was assuming command. I mumbled aggressively as he left and went to have a look in the mirror.

I was greeted by the sight of a balding old man!

I thought it must be a dream about the future, so in my drunken state, I tried replicating myself some hair in some kind of attempt to foresee the problem so that I could deal with it when I woke up. That’s the last thing I remember..

Anyway, It was a pretty vivid dream. I even woke up this morning with what felt like a hangover.

It’s still dark.

I’ll go for a shower in a minute.

Today was a bit strange.

Uhuru had scheduled me in for a tour of the ship to speak to the crew prior to staff appraisals.

Before we started, I had to make an embarrassing trip to the barber, then have a routine transporter signature diagnostic. This involves a simple beam from one transporter room to another as a routine check.

Once it was done, I headed off to the engineering deck to met Uhuru

Whilst we were in the turbolift, I noticed that I had something dangling in my face.

I hadn’t noticed whatever it was until I left the transporter room. I presumed it must be a leftover dreadlock that the ships barber had failed to remove (don’t ask! It’s extremely embarrassing.)

I meet Uhuru in engineering, and she looked at me in utter shock. I thought best not to mention the embarrassing episode involving the hairstyle and press on regardless.

The curious thing is, that whenever I looked at Uhuru, my vision was no longer obscured by the dangling appendage. Also, my head would feel heavy and keep falling forward. At one point, she bent over to pick up a tricorder, and I could see her pants. Suddenly I felt faint. Later, when she was walking in front of me, and I was trying to avoid looking at her nether regions, I banged my head on a low archway. This had never happened before.

I must be getting taller.

Aside from this, Everybody I spoke to had a smile on their face, and they were all full of laughter. It makes me proud to think I inspire so much confidence in the crew, and that morale is so high.

I offered to take Uhuru for a drink, but she declined, looking like she had seen a ghost, staring at my forehead like I had a pasty on it. I apologised and said that I would get the offending item removed (I dared not tell her how I got it)

She said she had spoken to Scotty, and requested that I get my transporter signature check sorted out a second time. She dragged me up there hurriedly, and my requests to stop in a bathroom along the way were flatly refused.

The check went fine, and the rogue appendage disappeared afterwards. It must have been removed in the transport process.

When I got back to my quarters, I found a sticker on my back that said ‘Dickhead’

Curious.

Today we were boarded by an invisible alien.

I was resting in my quarters when I was alerted by Mr Chekov. He requested my presence on the bridge immediately, as something was attacking Mr Sulu. Spock and the others were stood around looking horrified whilst Sulu was writhing round on the floor with his hands on his throat.

I tore my shirt off and went to dive towards his assailant, when suddenly Sulu stopped squirming.

“I think it’s gone into the turbolift!” he yelled.

I dived in after it and the doors shut behind me. I span around with my fists out so that I could hit the unseen foe before it got a chance to activate the controls, and head for the transporter bay. After 2 or 3 minutes swinging, I hit nothing. I banged on the lift doors, screaming for the ship to be put on red alert as the beast had escaped, probably hell bent on crippling the warp drive.

The doors swooshed open and I leapt out ready for action.

Everyone looked slightly uncomfortable. There was an awkward silence. Spock told me that they had successfully located the creatures life sign signature and beamed it out into space.

When I glanced around the bridge to check everyone was okay, I noticed Sulu had a strange smirk on his face. Then Bones passed something to him that I couldn’t quite see. He was probably shaken up from the encounter, and maybe laughter was his way of dealing with the trauma of an alien assault. Bones was probably passing him a cloth or something to mop his brow.

I congratulated the crew on their quick thinking and went back to my quarters to rest.

I’m sure I heard peels of laughter as the doors closed behind me.

Poor Sulu. It's best that he gets it out of his system.

I’ll check on him tomorrow.